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To Be Tendulkar!

C

Good news, I have now finished my screenplay entitled: To Be Tendulkar – which is actually adapted from my third novel. Technically it is not really adapted from my novel, as I haven’t started writing it yet!

It’s not very common for a screenplay to be written before the novel itself, but as there was movie company interest, the screenplay had to be written first, as I hadn’t actually started the novel. So, now the screenplay is done – at least the second-draft – I can now begin work on the novel for Chronos Publishing.

So, what does ‘To Be Tendulkar’ actually mean? Well, Sachin Tendulkar is the iconic Indian batsman – one of the greatest EVER!

In my story, the main character gets a single wish and asks ‘To Be Like Tendulkar’. This changes his life completely and he struggles to come to terms with his new predicament! Of course, he has ladies (and men) flocking around him, which alienates the girl who really loves him… It’s a rom-com with lots of twists and turns.

The rom-com is set in Leeds, England and follows the story of Rav, whose wife leaves him on his 37th birthday and he’s thrown in to the world of internet dating by his friends. The next stage is getting some work done on the presentation for Netflix.

Confessions of an Invisible Man!

My last novel: Confessions of an Invisible Man has been getting some excellent reviews, and then the other day I got a message from my sister-in-law Vicky – who lives with my brother Steve and their daughter Amelie in Queensland Australia, who’d just got both my novels from her local library. Excellent! She’s hasn’t finished reading the first one yet, but the library says it wants them back as they’ve been booked out again. Oh, it’s just a matter of time before I take over the world. Well done Australia – who said you had no taste??

OK, got to go now as I have things to write something. Just time to put the kettle on first and raid the biscuit cupboard. Those chocolate digestives won’t eat themselves you know! Bye x

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It’s EUROVISION TIME!

(And also news on my comedy cult!)

Firstly, let’s give a big cheer for Eurovision – it’s back with a boom-bang-a-bang! I love it, me – and let’s face it, everyone who enters look like they belong to a cult! The photo above is Mouth & MacNeil who came second in 1974 with ‘I see a star’ – an absolute classic, and I suggest you watch it on YouTube. A true case of talent coming before looks, there.

This year I am tipping Denmark (even though they never made it to the final) but think how much I’ll win at the bookies if they do. Dark horses the Danes. Have you seen the entry from Iceland? I’m not sure if those outfits are a fashion statement or a mental issue – either way, it’s nice to see the whole country has entered.

So, what about our entry? Somebody Newman – seems like a nice boy, but c’mon, Europe hate us, and pretty much everyone else. If Donald Trump entered, HE’D get more points than us!

Anyway, I shall be dressed in my silver hotpants, platform boots and blue eye-liner especially for the event on Saturday night. That’s right, I’m dressing down for the occasion!

New HQ for my Comedy Cult!

Another talented outfit ‘Teach In’ – I was actually in Teach In for a while, before I joined Whitesnake – that’s me in the middle dressed as a lady, breathing in!

Comedy Cult News!

Dear comedy cult members, I have been thinking about how I want to move the cult forward and two things have sprung to mind. Firstly, I think a new HQ is needed. My friend’s shed is not big enough, (3 people in there at once is a squeeze – and a sexual harassment claim waiting to happen!) so I am thinking that a French Chateau could be perfect, as they usually have big, secluded gardens which are perfect for those naked midnight soirees, should the mood take you! Every cult needs one of those – it’s the cult equivalent of the staff BBQ…

Another thing I’m thinking of having is a shrine built to me – after all, it will give me a bit more credibility and is also good as it’ll be tax-deductible!

Of course, I shall be needing lots of money to get these two things done, so don’t hesitate to send me your loose change (as long as that loose change adds up to more than £500 each).

*Quick Eurovision advert. Check out Bobbysocks’ Let it Swing on youtube.com an absolute classic!

Another Eurovision Classic ‘Let it Swing’. I’ve written to Bobbysocks about joining my cult, but no reply so far!

Once I’ve got these two cult projects off the group, I am thinking of applying for an arts grant from the government. I’m sure that if I promise to give one or two Conservative MP’s a backhander, then we’ll be all set. Good old Boris – it’s one rule for them, and one contract for their mates!

Here’s a bit of news, I bumped in to one of my old cult members and I asked him what he was doing these days. He said, “I’m helping the homeless, druggies, alcoholics and those who are down on their luck…” I said, “Oh, are you working for a charity?” He said “No, I’m working in Wetherspoons!” It’s good to know he’s doing his bit for society!

In fact, sometimes I think that my cult should do something good for society. And then I think, “No.”

Last week I mentioned “Free Love” – one of the most popular aspects of being in any cult these days… I recently made love to my second in command in the lounge, and then in the kitchen area. Then a bit later we were at it on the rugs and then the bedroom area. That’s the good news. The bad news is, we’ve been banned from IKEA!

Right, I have to go now as I have a meeting with SKY TV. I’m thinking of taking out their full package!

Bye for now my loyal followers (and those who aren’t so loyal!)

***Don’t forget to check out my rom-com novels. They include everything you want from a novel – short words, short chapters and a cheap price! ***

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New Rules for my Comedy Cult!

Hello and a warm welcome to all my loyal comedy cult followers – it’s now time for me to set you some challenges… and announce some new rules! And anyone who disagrees with me is OUT!

As your cult leader, of course, I can basically do what I want and make up any rules that suit me! I think it’s time to answer a few of your questions:

Some of you have been asking what time the free love starts? Well, I’m thinking about 9.30pm next Thursday – depending on if there’s anything decent on Netflix or not.

There are some rules when it comes to ‘free love.’

  1. Always wash your hands and feet before, during AND after. It’s basic common sense.
  2. If conducting in ‘free love’ outside, then watch out for those prickly plants and bushes. It’s an accident waiting to happen, that!
  3. Always ensure that you remove any loose change from your pockets before you begin. No one likes to get home later to find that you’re a couple of quid short. It’s a deflating end to your evening and can ruin your mood.
A typical cult leader, looking all mysterious and that.

While I happen to be talking about my ‘cult’ – I am very disappointed with the low numbers of people joining. Perhaps the $1000 dollar monthly subscription was a little on the high side (still, you do get a personally signed photo from me!).

Anyway, if you could recommend my comedy cult to any of your friends you will receive one of my novels completely FREE! As the publishers say, “We’ve got to shift them somehow!”

Here are some one liners to perk you up!

Sports news: I played my first ever game of rugby at the weekend and I don’t remember much apart from that after 80 minutes I was sitting there nursing a bruised and swollen testicle. And I’ve no idea who it belonged to!

Travel news: I have just returned from a war-torn region where rubble lines the streets and chaos is a part of everyday life. That’s the last time I go to the rough part of Manchester. I’ll go somewhere safer, like Syria next time!

Family news: My brother has finally been able to get out of his wheelchair after 17 years. He’s not disabled, just incredibly lazy!

OK, my comedy followers, I have to go now and get on with my evening. I’m planning to call the special lady in my life, and then after that call my girlfriend! I’m going to have a nice cup of tea and enjoy a penguin. And I’d like to thank the local Zoo for lending it to me.

OK, by for now darlings! x

Take a look at my books here!

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Is Stephen King Any Good?

Hello dear cult members! Tonight I am discussing Stephen King – and is he actually any good? It doesn’t matter how many billion books he’s sold, that doesn’t necessarily make the geezer a good writer – or does it? I’ve spoken to loads of people who’ve read Fifty Shades of Crap, and I think every single one of them has said that whoever wrote it would barely pass their GCSE in English. But it still made a skipful of money.

Before I make my judgement on Mr King, I just need to tell you that I am still looking for new cult members to make my life easier. All you need is a big bank account, be very naïve, and be the sort of person who will do as they are told. And if you have a big flash car you’d like to contribute to me, er, I mean the cause, then even better! OK, that’s the advert over, back to King and his massive output!

Stephen King wearing a suite he has since donated to a charity shop.

A lot of people think King is not great because he churns out book after book. Well, I think that’s quite a talent. Think about how long it generally takes us lot to get 70 or 80,000 words down on to paper. For some it takes a lifetime. We probably spend twice as long as necessary doing so, as we don’t have that capability. And that, combined with his imagination is why I think King is GREAT! He doesn’t fuck about with insecurities, wondering if he can write or not and all that palaver – he get’s on with it, makes it up as he goes along, uses lots of great ideas combined with twists and turns and then…

Don’t show off!

How many times have you read a book and you know the author is trying to show off with their range of vocabulary? Yeah, that pisses me off, and lots of other people too. King doesn’t try to impress – he writes for you to read it, it’s that simple. He doesn’t want to piss you off. Yeah, it looks easy, but how many authors write in order to impress instead of to be read? the last three books I’ve bought (all apparently ‘best sellers’ have all ended up NOT being read), as they were trying to be too clever (or the dialogue was shit and pretentious). OK, I admit I could be totally wrong – I have been drinking!

Stephen King says he writes while listening to extremely loud music, from Fine Young Cannibals to The Animals – and he says that it helps him. I bet his neighbours fucking love HIM!

The housewives favourite, David Soul, star of Salem’s Lot, the movie. Underrated actor, no doubt!

But let’s have a quick look at how creative King is – Carrie, The Shining, Salem’s Lot, The Dead Zone – jesus, I could go on for ever! King is a genius, he really is, because he does ‘simple’ better than anyone else. He tells stories that people want to read. Yeah, his books are sometimes too thick to bother with (Stick to 400 pages, Steve!). But his mind knows how to connect with others! OK, I’ve rambled enough now, and I know you lot have more interesting things to do, like feed the cat, but thanks for reading this.

Cult invite

I am thinking about asking Stephen to join my cult. I think he’d enjoy a bit of dancing naked at midnight out in a field – while I sneak in to his room and steal all his great ideas off his laptop!!! Please forget I said that last bit.

OK, as a fabulous author myself, it’s time for me to go and be enigmatic around the house in my Stephen King PJs!

Take care all my cult members!

Check out my latest novel: Confessions of an Invisible Man by Chronos Publishing.

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Graham the Cartoonist!

You may not know this, but my early career was as a cartoonist and scriptwriter for animation and comics! I was a trainee animator at Bob Godfrey Films for a while, working on Henry’s cat. Bob Godfrey Films also made Rhubarb and Custard!

Following this I got into comics and worked freelance for over 20 different comics including Viz Comic. Following this I was a cartoonist for Express newspapers producing two different daily cartoon strips: The Starbirds, and Teenage Mum.

During my time working on The Daily Star, people started asking me for cartoon portraits and I produced them for a couple of Fleet Street editors, celebrities and sports people.

After a couple of recent commissions, I’ve decided to do more of them!

A full colour cartoon portrait will fit perfectly into an A3 frame. Each piece of art will come with a good quality mount, just ready for you to pop it straight into the A3 frame of your choice. This saves me sending glass frames through the post and also allows you to get the frame which suits the décor of where it’s going to hang! These are not the simple caricatures you can get done, these cartoon portraits are top quality, all drawn and painted by hand (nothing is done using digital apps).

A commission of Paul Dixon, Great Britain Rugby League international.
Paul Dixon of Great Britain rugby league, circa 1987. (Photo by Bob Thomas Sports Photography via Getty Images)

What do I need to get started?

Well, I’ll need a good quality photograph (emailed), tell me what hobby the person has (so I can draw their body doing that activity), and I’ll need 2 WEEKS NOTICE, as I don’t want to have to rush the process. Contact me if it is required at short notice and I’ll see if I can switch things around for you.

How much do they cost? Well, I’m doing an introductory price of £100.00 each plus postage of £6.95. You’ll need to pay via paypal (or bank transfer) in advance, and then I’ll get on with it for you! When you receive the artwork, I’ll also email you a few images of the cartoon portrait being worked on.

Eddie Hopper

Here’s another cartoon I’ve done (below), this was published in an adult comic! I’ll post more on a regular basis…

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Blogs coming soon…

You know, it’s not easy being an enigmatic author – if it’s not one thing, then it’s another. This morning I realised that my chaise longue needed a brush down, and my smoking jacket needed a dry clean. Then, as I was wandering around my spacious Kensington apartment, I glanced to my right and noticed a crack in my pipe rack. What a horrendous day, I hear you all say, and you’d be right!

So, today I have decided to simply drink a G&T with a splash of lime, and contemplate my future. As I look up at the shelf left empty for literary awards, it is still empty. How the literary establishment like to torture me with their petty grievances. Just because I haven’t written a decent book, they decide to punish me by leaving me off the Booker Prize list. It’s a shambolic system!

The view from my Kensington apartment window. Guess who lives opposite me? That’s right, David Dickenson. The glow from his orange skin helps keep my electricity bills low.

So, enough about my day-to-day turmoil, what exciting things have we got coming up soon? Well, to start with we have an interview with Paul Kelly, whose debut novel (a black comedy called Jim Reaper) is just about to be launched….

Then we have an interview with Sam Eastwood, the brilliant designer who has designed the front covers of both my novels. We’ve worked together before, and she’s going to tell you about when Harry Hill offered her a biscuit: “Go on, they’re Marks & Spencers…” he said. Of course, she couldn’t turn that offer down….

OK, some of you might be wondering when I’m going to write my next comedy blog – well that’s coming up soon too. I’m going to sign of with a little joke I wrote the other week.

News: In Las Vegas, a van carrying a dozen Elvis Presley impersonators was involved in a crash with another vehicle. No one was seriously injured, but they were all shook up…

See you soon, darlings! x

What would YOU do if you were invisible??

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Is it a good idea to base characters on people you know?

Well, let’s look at the positives: For a start, if you already know someone well, their personality and how they would probably react in certain situations, then it really does make writing easier.

In Confessions of an Invisible Man, I based Ledley, the kitchen manager on a guy I knew at school called Alwyn Simpson. He was such a great character and so likeable (not to mention being a great footballer!) and so it made the character more believable and likeable, in my opinion. However, it’s not a good thing to base a character on someone you know if they are going to offended by what they say or get up to in your book. Even changing their name might not hide their identity.

Me, holding my novel. And no, I didn’t have to buy it!

It’s fiction!

If you base a character on someone you know (possibly a friend) and then make them look stupid or have negative characteristics, human nature makes people think that ‘that’s what you really think of them’ – and they can get upset and offended. That’s despite the novel being a work of fiction.

Of course, if it is quite obvious a character is based on someone real, they can take legal action should you put them in illegal situations or have them do anything dodgy. So, you do have to be careful. However, if you represent someone you know in a good, positive way, then you’re absolutely fine, and they’ll be delighted with how they appear!

Consistency is king!

If your characters are purely fictional, then it will make writing about them harder as you’ll have to invent a complete character for them, one that is believable. I personally keep a character sheet of the main fictional characters, with a description of what they are like, which helps me to keep them consistent.

So, you have to decide which suits you best. Base characters on people you know, or create them from scratch. I like to do a combination of the two. Sometimes I just give a character the physical characteristics of someone I know, rather than the personality traits as it makes it easier for me to picture them when I’m writing.

OK, got to go now as I have things to do. One day when I’m a successful author like Stephen King, I’ll have a personal assistant to open my bag of oven chips for me – life will be a dream! bring it on your big publishers, I’m ready to receive a huge signing-on fee!!!

Bye for now my little darlings!

Blogs coming soon!

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Pre-order Confessions of an Invisible Man NOW!!

My new novel Confessions of an Invisible Man is now available to pre-order from Chronos Publishing and other leading booksellers including Waterstones, Foyles and more…

Released on February 14th, it’s the tale of Cooper McRae who is going to be invisible for exactly seven days. What will he do? Well, he’ll try and woo Lucy Pendleton, a girl he fancies at work, try and get a million pounds, and meet his hero Elton John! Should be easy enough? Or maybe not! It’s a rom-com and the publishers and myself are very excited about our new novel. “It’s fab! I love it!” Said Taryn Johnston, owner of Chronos Publishing.

Me trying to look like an enigmatic author, holding the
final proof copy of my new novel.

The cover has been designed by Sam Eastwood, who also did the design for my first novel: Let’s Hear it for the Boy’. It has a retro feel to it, which is what I wanted. I love the really graphic style of those old movie posters such as Anatomy of a Murder, and I specifically asked for something along those lines. Here’s the poster for Anatomy of a Murder (starring James Stewart), which is recognised as one of the all-time great movie posters! It was designed by Saul Bass.

OK, that’s all for the moment – now’s your chance to pre-order Confessions of an Invisible Man. There’s 350 pages in the book, so that at £9.99 that works out at 50p for every 17 pages of fun. Or 0.02p per swearword! What amazing value!!!

If you want to know a little bit more about me, the author, then click here!

Bye for now. 🙂

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Confessions of an Invisible Man – here on February 14th!

All my many thousands of fans (… and by “many thousands”, I actually mean my girlfriend Julie and my online stalker, Brian), may have been wondering what’s happening with my next novel, Confessions of an Invisible Man. Well wonder no more, because it’s coming out on Valentine’s day. That’s only about two weeks away.

So what is it about? It’s about 350 pages, that’s what! Haha. Well, it’s about a guy who’s going to be invisible for exactly seven days. During this he hopes to win the heart of Lucy Pendleton, the girl at work who treats him like he’s invisible all the time.

I’ve been heavily influenced by H.F.Saint who wrote the brilliant Memoirs of an Invisible Man, and I’ve always thought about doing my own take on the classic story by H.G. Wells.

But what sort of a story is it, I hear you all shouting in a frustrated manner – well, hang on, cos I’m going to tell you. It’s a rom-com with lots of comedy, several twists and turns, a couple of gratuitous sex scenes (OK, that’s not really true), there’s drugs, Elton John and a rug featuring the lovely mug of Rylan Clark-Neal. What more could you ask for? Nothing! And let’s not forget that for my die-hard fans, there’s also a fair smattering of swearwords to add a certain something.

At the moment I’m reading a classic science fiction book called The Man Who Fell to Earth by Walter Tevis. You might remember David Bowie playing the lead roll in the movie? Anyway, this is a fabulous book – and you can get it from HMV in their 2 for £6 sale! Bargain.

OK, that’s all for today, but watch out for an interview with Sam Eastwood, the brilliant designer of my book cover for Confessions of an Invisible Man. She’s one of my best friends and I might tell you all about her amazing wedding, if you behave yourselves!

Bye for now, you sexy people! 🙂

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Roddy Doyle’s writing tips!

You’ve all heard of The Commitments haven’t you? Well it was written by Roddy Doyle. Now, being honest, I’m not a fan of his – infact I’ve never read anything by him, so that seems a bit harsh really. Anyway, I’m sure he’s a lovely fella! I did like his writing tips which I saw online somewhere, so I thought you might like them too.

To start you off, here’s a writing tip of my own: Make sure the room you’re writing in is nice and warm! OK, that sounds shit, and not as good as Roddy’s but honestly, if you’re comfortable, then you’ll be more creative. That’s my opinion and I’m not even getting a kick-back from the central heating companies to say it!! Although I am open to all forms of product-placement advertising and bribery. C’mon British Gas, get your cheque-book out!

Here are Roddy’s tips!

1 Do not place a photograph of your ­favourite author on your desk, especially if the author is one of the famous ones who committed suicide.

2 Do be kind to yourself. Fill pages as quickly as possible; double space, or write on every second line. Regard every new page as a small triumph…

One of the books he’s written, but I haven’t read…

3 Until you get to Page 50. Then calm down, and start worrying about the quality. Do feel anxiety – it’s the job.

4 Do give the work a name as quickly as possible. Own it, and see it. Dickens knew Bleak House was going to be called Bleak House before he started writing it. The rest must have been easy.

5 Do restrict your browsing to a few websites a day. Don’t go near the online bookies – unless it’s research.

6 Do keep a thesaurus, but in the shed at the back of the garden or behind the fridge, somewhere that demands travel or effort. Chances are the words that come into your head will do fine, eg “horse”, “ran”, “said”.

Roddy Doyle's writing tips. Tips for writing your novel!
Another book of his I haven’t read.

7 Do, occasionally, give in to temptation. Wash the kitchen floor, hang out the washing. It’s research.

8 Do change your mind. Good ideas are often murdered by better ones. I was working on a novel about a band called the Partitions. Then I decided to call them the Commitments.

9 Do not search amazon.co.uk for the book you haven’t written yet.

10 Do spend a few minutes a day working on the cover biog – “He divides his time between Kabul and Tierra del Fuego.” But then get back to work.

So, there you are, I hope you liked those! Roddy, of course is now a multi-billionaire and lives in a caravan just outside Skegness. He doesn’t welcome cold-callers, so don’t go getting any funny ideas!

Bye for now, you lot! 🙂

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The Amazing Johnathan and Graham!

You’ve heard of The Amazing Johnathan haven’t you? WHO? The Amazing Johnathan, the WORLD FAMOUS American magician and TV icon, who starred in his own Vegas shows for years, that’s who!

Well last week I had the pleasure of talking to the Amazing Johnathan via a call to his home in Las Vegas. He retired a couple of years ago due to health issues and now he’s doing all sorts of stuff in retirement – such as learning how to play the piano. He says, “I’ve one good hand.” So not exactly Billy Joel then, I reply. He tells me he’s hoping to get good enough to play some Radiohead.

So why am I grilling The Amazing Johnathan, known around the world for his outrageous humour and quirky magic shit? Well, I’m doing an interview with him for magicseen magazine, Europe’s number one magic magazine.

The Amazing Johnathan and the fella who made the documentary. Photo: Los Angeles Times.

Magic can be boring, so I ask him about his comedy heroes. “Charlie Chaplin!” says Johnathan, “a f**king genius!” As he says this, I show him the latest book I’m reading: Charlie Chaplin’s autobiography! “That’s cool, man!” he says nodding. That’s right, Charlie Chaplin was a genius, no doubt! Go and watch The Flower Seller or Modern Times and you’ll know what I mean”.

So, what else does the Amazing Johnathan get up to? “Well, I write now and again for Criss Angel, Copperfield, Penn & Teller and others…” But The Amazing Johnathan doesn’t have to do anything, he earned a fortune in Vegas. “I was having a clear out and threw away a load of my payslips. Jesus, I couldn’t believe how much I was earning then…”

An Amazing Johnathan promo poster!

The Amazing Jonathan made his comedy club debut on the very same night as the comedy legend Robin Williams – they became life-long buddies – and they were in a bar together the very night that Robin Williams got his contract for the TV classic ‘Mork & Mindy’. “He came into the bar clutching his contract! He was in high spirits – they were paying him $5000 an episode, which was massive back then!”
I ask Johnathan if his autobiography is ever going to get released? He laughs, “It will probably never see the light of day. In the US, they love a story where the guy takes drugs, losses his career, gets clean and then becomes successful again! Unfortunately for the publishers, my story is: ‘Guy takes drugs, becomes successful and so takes even more drugs – and is EVEN MORE SUCCESSFUL!’ It’s not a story the US public will find palatable!”

Read the full interview in magicseen magazine out soon!

Find out more about Graham Hey here!

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The Comedy Climax – My new comedy book is finished!

Hey! Every couple of years or so I get around to writing a new comedy book of original material for performers to use in their magic and mindreading acts. My new book is called The Comedy Climax: Visual gags, one liners, tricks and routines to make you memorable! As usual, it’s been designed by Phil Shaw, design editor at Magicseen magazine and he’s given it the retro feel that I love. Nice one Phil!

This book (printed and ebook versions) contains guest contributions from the brilliant Nathan Kranzo, the hilarious Mel Mellers, and the fabulous Mike McClean.

Mike has contributed a quick and simple gag/routine called: The Mindreading Chair, which he uses in his cruise ship act every single time he performs. It’s simple but will get you a BIG laugh!

Here's the front cover of my new comedy book The Comedy Climax!
It’s the KRANZILLA! The hilarious Nathan Kranzo trying to look cool. And sadly, he actually does!

The Mel Mellers effect is P.A.T.E.O Socks – a great stand-up routine which he uses in has cabaret shows and on the ships. Once again, a very simple effect, but one that has a big impact.

Nathan Kranzo’s contribution is purely a gag which he uses for kids AND adults. All you’ll need is a miniature air-horn and you’ve got a great little thing to do between tricks!

The printed version of The Comedy Climax will soon be available through wholesalers for magic shops, and it will also be available as an ebook version too. I’ll keep you posted!

Email me if you’re interested in buying the ebook: grahamhey2@aol.com

OK, got to go and there’s a cuppa and chocolate biscuit calling out my name!

Graham 😊

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The INVISIBLE MAN IN JANUARY!

Well, here’s a bit of news – my next novel Confessions of an Invisible Man is now going to be launched towards the end of January and it’s all because of that flippin virus! As many of the major publishers have been holding back launches of their titles, it seems that almost a thousand books are being launched before Xmas! Yeah, so that means small publishers like Chronos get squeezed out by the big corporate bully-boys! I’m not sure if they are bully-boys, but it certainly sounds dramatic!! So don’t despair dear fans, the book is coming soon.

So what is Graham doing meanwhile I hear you all ask? Well, I’m currently watching series 3 of The Bridge (on BBC iPlayer) which is brilliant. I’ve now put brown leather trousers at the top of my Xmas list. Fans of The Bridge will know why!

That woman off The Bridge. In real life she’s married to a priest. And I’m not lying.

But I haven’t just been watching the telly 24/7, I recently finished a screenplay for a movie that will probably never be made: Kendo & George, about iconic wrestler Kendo Nagasaki and his manager George – written by myself and Nigel Fitzhenry.

I’ve also been writing my next comedy ebook: The Comedy Climax which should be out in a week or so. It’s currently being designed by ace designer Phil Shaw on his private island just outside Malton.

It’s choc-a-block with one liners, visual gags and some easy tricks for magicians and mindreaders to use in their shows. The last one I wrote did fantastically well, with all six issue selling out within a matter of months. Er, yes, I’m joking!!

This new ebook has contributions from the sensational Mike McClean, fabulous Nathan Kranzo, stupendous Gary Jones and mediocre Mel Mellers! Sorry, I mean Marvellous Mel Mellers!

Mike McClean – he’s funny (at times)

Right, I’ve got to go now as I need to cook some sausages which went past their use-by date yesterday. They won’t kill me will they?

Ta-rah then my friends! 🙂

Check out my favourite scary movies…

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Kendo and George : A True story!

So, at last, the first draft of the Kendo & George screenplay is done. My co-writer, Nigel Fitzhenry and I have put a big effort into this movie screenplay and we’re pleased with how it’s turned out – at least for the first draft! It’s now been sent off to one of the UKs greatest-ever comedy writers (sorry I have to be a bit vague at the moment, due to confidentiality!) who is our ‘script advisor’, so we’re waiting for any info back from him. The next step is to send off the synopsis and screenplay to several of our contacts in the industry and we’re fortunate to have a couple of movie companies interested in seeing our work, so at least we aren’t having to sent it out blind.

As a little taster, here’s a bit of our synopsis:

Two men – one touching, heart-warming and often hilarious TRUE STORY.

Peter Thornley (aka Kendo Nagasaki)
Adopted at birth and after a far from idyllic childhood in Crewe, Cheshire, Peter Thornley grew up to become one of the world’s most famous wrestlers.

Inspired by Japanese Judo master, Kenshiro Abbe, Peter becomes a student of meditation and after an operation to amputate part of a finger puts a stop to a promising career in judo and weightlifting – Peter creates his alter-ego, Kendo Nagasaki, and his career as one of the most iconic show wrestlers ever, begins.

Watched by millions on TV throughout the 1970s and 80s, Kendo Nagasaki – a mysterious, masked Samurai warrior – remained an enigma, never giving an interview and remaining resolutely anonymous, despite countless attempts to reveal the man behind the mask.

Gorgeous George Gillette
Flamboyant, outspoken and outwardly gay, George was an iconic figure in the London scene during a time when homosexuality was illegal and homophobia was rife in the establishment and society in general. Never one to shy away from the limelight, George is well known and well-loved throughout the capital’s gay community. His personal life is chaotic and his life spirals downwards, eventually ending up with George living in his local burger bar. And then he meets Kendo Nagasaki…

And there’s a lot more. This is the story of Kendo and George…

I’ll keep you posted of developments as they happen!

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Creepy Halloween Movies!

Halloween is an annual holiday in the USA, celebrated each year on October 31. It originated with the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain, when people would light bonfires and wear costumes to ward-off ghosts. Imagine hundreds of people all moaning and groaning, all dressed in strange outfits. A bit like pension day at the Post Office.


Halloween of course, is the time when people all sit around to watch a horror movie. But which movies are the scariest of all-time? I’ve put together a list of the creepiest halloween movies I could think of. Don’t complain if your own favourite isn’t included, because this just a fun item – so don’t come running ‘round my house with a big cleaver saying you’re going to do stuff to me!
In no particular order, my off-beat look at some of the best Halloween movies…


The Shining (1980)
Jack Nicholson plays a writer who gets a job as a caretaker in an empty school during the holidays. He thinks it will be great to have peace and quiet to write his book. It all goes horribly wrong, he gets possessed or something and runs ‘round with an axe. You can imagine what that school’s OFSTED report was like!

Scream (1996)
People are being bumped off left, right and centre in this ace horror movie. We couldn’t stop screaming when we went to the cinema to see this – and who could blame us? Have you seen the popcorn prices in Vue??

The idiot’s got his knife upside down!

The Whicker man (1973)
A guy goes to an island and there’s loads of creepy stuff going on such as strange dancing, effigy burning and nudity. Sounds like a typical Saturday night party at my house!


Psycho (1960)
The classic Alfred Hitchcock movie about a weirdo serial killer who runs a shabby motel in the middle of nowhere while dressed as an old lady. I didn’t actually realise that Grayson Perry had a background in acting!

The house where Norman Bates lived with his mother. Oh, there he is now, staring at us!


Saw (2004)
Two friends wake up semi-naked and chained to a sink in a bathroom – nothing unusual there, that’s a regular occurrence during ANY Fresher’s Week in the UK. But, in the movie Saw, one of the pals has to kill the other, or his family will die. You don’t get to find out whodunnit until ‘Saw 346’ which is due for release in 2087. Oh, I can’t wait!!


Silence of the Lambs (1991)
A woman from the CIA goes to interview a serial killer in prison about some crimes that are being committed. She thinks he might be able to help her, and he wears this mask thing which makes him look scary. He seems very bitter about the whole prison experience. And you can’t blame him, so would you, if YOU’D been given a triple life sentence for parking in a disabled space outside Aldi.

A slightly camp wa model of Anthony Hopkins in a cell

Halloween (1978)
One of the classic Halloween movies. A guy with a mask on causes mayhem on Halloween night. It all starts off where he’s quite happy knocking on doors and getting sweets – until some rotter gives him a pickled onion dipped in chocolate – the rest is history!

The Exorcist (1973)
A girl gets taken over by the devil, and her head turns around 360 degrees. A vicar comes round and tells the devil to sling his hook! It all ends happily when the devil stops possessing people and goes back to his normal job as traffic warden.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
An all-time classic. Some young people get lost in the rough part of West Yorkshire and a mad man goes on a savage killing spree. People were physically sick in the cinema, which is not surprising – those explicit images of Huddersfield Town centre in the 70s were stomach churning.

He’s gunna have someone’s eye out with that if he isn’t careful!

Wolf Creek (2005)
This always comes near the top of people’s favourite Halloween movies. This is where another group of youngsters accept help from a friendly local in Australia. He tortures them by playing Crocodile Dundee 3 on a loop. It’s a horrible way to go.


Let the right one in (2008)
A story about a bloodsucker who has no friends. No, it’s not about a solicitor, it’s about a young vampire who plays centre-forward for a soccer team in Denmark. He’s good with his feet, but he’s not a fan of crosses!

Carry On Screaming (1966)
Perhaps the greatest ever ‘horror’ film isn’t actually a horror movie in the true sense. It’s a comedy starring Kenneth Williams, Fenella Fielding and Jim Dale. Women are mysteriously disappearing – at the same time as similar-looking mannequins are appearing in a local shop window. Are the two connected? The Carry-On team featured some incredible comedy talents, plus Bernard Bresslaw. Oh, google him!

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Focus groups… do they really help authors?

So, you’ve written your latest novel and you’re reasonably pleased with it after the usual changes and improvements… and then the publishers say it’s gone out to a focus group for their comments. What does this mean for you as an author? And is it going to make your book better?

My forthcoming novel ‘Confessions of an Invisible Man’ (a rom-com about a man who’s going to be invisible for EXACTLY seven days) was duly completed and passed to the publishers. It came back, as expected with quite a few changes, but nothing to give me sleepless nights. Then, the publishers tell me it’s gone out to a “focus group.” Woop-de-doo!

It’s easy to react like this when you first see comments from a focus group!

So my novel is then sent out to selection of people. Actually a selection of people of all ages and who are not chosen for their love of rom-coms. They are a group of people who read books they are sent and then pass on their thoughts to publishers. They may hate rom-coms for all I know, they may not… The group reports back on the characters, the idea, the pace, the storyline, the writing style and more…

Their comments (and scores) come back, it’s an interesting mix of remarks. Some will pick out a word or phrase that they’re not happy or comfortable with, others will tell you where they see weaknesses in the plot. One reader says my very first line could be improved and tells me which word to use in order to improve it. One mentions that the main character isn’t likeable, two have an issue with a sex scene, one says the pace of the story is too fast, another isn’t keen on the ending. It’s an interesting mix of comments. *Just for the record, I got the distinct impression that the people who had an issue with the sex scene were ‘older’ people who had never read a sex scene in a book before! Plus, it was actually meant to be a comedy scene and I’m not sure they understood that. Then again, maybe I didn’t write it skilfully enough!

If I changed everything the focus group mentioned, it would be a different novel to the one I’d envisaged. So, does a focus group help or not? Well, it’s easy to get defensive when going through all the comments, but I guess where focus groups are good, is that you can pick up patterns. If several people are making similar comments, then you can assume that particular thing may need looking at, tweaking or changing. Of course, when all the comments come back from readers, you have to stand back and not take things personally. Look at their comments positively, pick out the one’s which make sense and then improve your book. Better to fond out weaknesses now, rather than later.

Your goal is to be HERE!

At the present time, I’ve made a list of possible changes and things to look at, and I’m going through my novel improving where necessary. I must point out that whilst there were several negative comments from the focus-group, there were also lots of positives too, so the publishers and I are looking forward to producing a successful book later this year. Do focus groups help? I’d say yes, but be selective about what you take from their comments!

Confessions of an Invisible Man is published by Chronos Publishing and released later this year!

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Join my Comedy Cult!

I decided to form a comedy cult because a few of my friends said they were bored during ‘lockdown’ and needed to do something. Plus, I was in the mood to exploit people, and what better way than starting a cult?

Call me old-fashioned, but I think that people like to belong to something – a golf club, a society, a group – so why not a cult? In my cult I’ll be getting my followers to work hard to make MY life better. Then, they’ll have the joy of seeing me deliriously happy, living like Vladimir Putin, riding a horse half-naked through my lounge and doing exactly what I want. Sounds pretty good, eh?

Putin on his way to a ‘Look like a twat’ contest

My followers will still have to work full time but have their wages paid directly in to my, er, the cult’s account. And that cash will pay for things such as gardening implements, bedsheets etc for my followers, and a massive flat screen TV, a speedboat and a big flash car for me. No cult leader can have credibility if he’s seen driving around in a Fiat Punto. That goes without saying, that does.

Here are the first few rules from my comedy cult manifesto:

1. The cult leader (me) has total control over your finances and any vinyl records you have. Also, ALL chocolate biscuits must be declared AND handed over to me. Additionally, all copies of Health & Efficiency magazine are to be kept under my bed, for my own health-related purposes.

2. Rituals may change at short notice, depending what’s on the telly. (Eg: if there’s a good film on such as Jurassic Park, I can’t be expected to break off to reprimand a follower etc.). Any dancing naked at midnight rituals may be cancelled if there’s a cold snap or heavy frost.

3. ALL members of my cult MUST listen to the new album ‘Together’ by The Vapors EVERY DAY (on vinyl). They sang Turning Japanese in the 80’s you must remember it, for crying out loud. Anyway, failure to do this will mean extreme punishments such as having to watch school choirs performing on BGT or made to join a Morris Dancing group.

The Vapors album, out now.

Right, got to go now as I’m planning a ‘free-love’ evening with about twenty of my followers. If I don’t blog for a while, please call the emergency services and send them round to my gaff pronto with a defibrillator. Thanks.

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Potter and Fondle

Guest blog #1 Writer and artist Jay Fortune explains how he works during lockdown when he’s not confined to his straightjacket…

Potter & Fondle. Lockdown. Stay home. Well, let me say that I’m an artist (not THAT kind!) and I’m used to staying home. Us arty types work more-or-less in isolation. My day begins around 6:30am. I get up when the sun gets up (and to let it dry the sheets – the other uncontrollable reason I rise early). Then it’s into the art studio. Bright and early. Not to actually do any work though; more to look at yesterday’s efforts and try to quieten the perfectionist in me that has awoken overnight and realises that what looked totally brilliant last night isn’t quite so stunning in the full glare of day (and without the alcohol flowing freely).

Me and my perfection go downstairs to breakfast (rule one; never, ever take your perfectionist self into the bathroom at this early stage; you will suffer when ‘it’ sees your natural born glory reflected in the full length bathroom mirror). Radio goes on. As does the ‘Porrange’. This unique breakfast concept is my own creation. (Note to self; look into trade-marking ‘Porrange’. Make sure this note is removed before sending this to the blog as guest writer. Wouldn’t want anyone nicking the concept.) Porrange is porridge with an orange. Simples. Breakfast done and I’m back in the studio. How is Mr. Perfection now feeling? Is he a) still being bloody judgemental about everything or b) quieter now he is full up on Porrange. If ‘a’ then it’s into the bathroom to turn the mirror around against the wall, shower, shave and allow the internal judgment to continue. If ‘b’ then it’s into the bathroom. Shower. Shave. Simples. (Perhaps even a quick glance in the mirror pre-steam. Lookin’ good! The more steam, the more I like the reflection.)

One of Jay’s artworks. He’s so cool he actually makes me physically sick.

Daily Duties taken care of and I’m back in the studio again. More self-loathing, inner turmoil and frustration. I potter around like an ageing gardener forever fondling his pansies. And, like gardening, the art world has its fair share of pansies. And fondling. Few hours later and it’s lunch. Often I’ll try to be social and go meet a friend. But not at the moment. Staying 2m away makes what is usually a close friendship into more of a stand-off conversation. Think pre-virus when you would be in a rush to catch a bus and a friend wants to stop and say Hi. You can’t stop, so stay a good distance from them so you can socially get away to catch the bus before they can get too close and chatty. That’s how these lunch meetings now feel. Like one of us is in a rush. Usually me.

Jay hiding behind a brush. Apparently, that’s art, that is.

The studio always beckons. Lunch. Back in the studio yet again. More pottering. I get adventurous and squeeze some paint onto the palette. I even dip a brush in and let the paint dry to a crust while looking at yesterday’s efforts. It’s dried to a nasty crust so I can take great delight in washing the brush thoroughly. A proper scrub. I sing ‘happy birthday’ twice. Cleaned it goes back into its holder. Afternoon tea-time. I’m feeling quite exhausted what with the demands of being an artist. A nap is called for. This takes place over a short period of no more than 3 hours. Nothing major. I wake sluggish. It’s getting dark. Another 5 hour power-nap. Too long. There’s not enough time left to do anything worthwhile now, apart from grab a bottle of lager and retreat to the lounge. Bung a tray-dinner into the microwave. I forget to pierce the film again and the resulting ‘pop’ after a few minutes adds a surprise highlight to the day.

And now it’s time for bed. The sun is going down. I’m aware of a huge smile on my face as I realise I get to do it all over again tomorrow. Potter and fondle. NOTE: All of the above is not true. Except for the fact I am an artist. And the sun dries the sheets. And Porrange.   Jay Fortune spends his time as a professional artist and part-time writer and on rare occasions is slightly comical. But only on rare occasions. This isn’t one of them. www.jayfortune.co.uk

Thanks to Jay for that. It’s no wonder he only produces one piece of work every twelve years!

*Join me next time dear readers, I’ll have the chocolate digestives open and displayed provocatively for your pleasure…

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How do you write a novel?

Everyone has their own idea about how to write a novel – and to be quite honest, I don’t think there is a right and wrong way. I think that if you have an interesting story, and you tell it in an interesting way, or a way that’s easy to read, then you’re well on the way. When I wrote my first novel, the last thing I wanted to do was try and work to some sort of successful template, I just wanted to tell the story how it was in my head and not be influenced by other writers. ( Damn, maybe that’s where I went wrong! 😊).

Please note: For those not interested in how to write a novel, I’ve put a picture of a little kitten at the end, to create a bit of interest.

The book that has inspired me the most is American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis – and not for a good reason! I remember buying it, wondering what all the fuss was about. I read this blockbuster and realised one simple thing. That if he can make it, then so could I. I hated that book, and the way it was written. It sold millions, so what do I know? Bret Easton Ellis, you’re the man! But I still hate that rubbish book. He’s probably laughing at me as he sits in his extra-large hot tub in LA, while I sit in my extra-small bedsit in the rough part of Hull!

Bret Easton Ellis, the super-rich author. Not that I’m jealous or anything.

So, here are my top tips to write a novel:

Plan it out in advance. Yes, I know there are some geniuses out there like Stephen King who just start writing and it’s amazing every time. Well he makes me sick!!! (Because he’s so good, and I can’t do that!). So, if you plan the whole story (roughly) and then break it down into chapters, you have a book, laid out in front of you like the Xmas turkey. All you have to do now is stuff the bloody thing with detail!

Planning your book solves one or two potential problems. Firstly, if you happen to get stuck, or have a case of writer’s block then you can just stop that chapter and skip to the next. Come back to the trouble-spot later when you have an idea for it. Easy! If you plan your novel and break it down before you begin actually writing, then it also helps you get over the hurdle of pacing the book. You can do a chart, stick it on your wall, and see where all the highs and lows are.

Write character sheets. Simply write each character’s personality and anything else you need to remember about them, such as their favourite movie or where they met someone, on to a piece of paper. Do this for all the main characters, as it’ll save you lots of time, and will enable you to write a novel that is consistent. Let’s just say I’ve learnt the hard way.

Do call backs. I’m not sure if this is an actual term that authors or publishers use, but comedians do this a lot in their acts. The call-back is a stand-up comedy term that means to refer to an earlier joke that got a laugh. For example Dennis Carney, a stand-up comedian, had a piece about performing in Las Vegas. He talked about how exciting it was to see his name on billboards and on the side of every fifth or sixth cab that went by. “Of course, it wasn’t my real name.  It was my stage name: Prime Rib $9.95.”  That punch line, which he delivered better than I am describing, got a good laugh. Later, he told another story about being in Las Vegas, and having a cop knock on his door. When he answered the door, the cop addressed him as “Mr. Rib.”  That call-back to the previous joke got another laugh.

A call-back in a speech or novel does not have to refer back to something funny in order to be an effective call-back.  It does need to refer back to something that will connect emotionally with the audience. I try and use call backs frequently in my novels as I think they also really help the reader realise that a lot of thought has been put into the story.  

My next novel, due out October 8th, 2020. I’m giving it 5 stars. OK, I’m slightly biased…

OK that’s enough for now. If any of the ideas above have been useful, let me know! Thanks for reading this blog. If you’re disappointed, I’m afraid no refunds are available! Bye for now.

A little kitten enjoying itself.

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What would YOU do if you were invisible?

Yes, it’s a question most of us have pondered in our hum-drum lives – and it’s the first question that Cooper McRae asks in my new novel ‘Confessions of an Invisible Man’ (Out on October 8th).

Well, you could do something positive, like assassinate Donald Trump or that w*nker who runs Syria, (you know, that lanky fella who looks like Borat’s brother!).

I got a Facebook message from someone who said that if they were invisible, they’d spend all their time eating sausage rolls in Greggs. What a ridiculous idea. I’d personally hang out in KFC! Party bucket here I come…

Out on October 8th through Chronos Publishing – My own rom-com version of a classic idea…

There have been several books (some great ones, I might add) about being invisible, but I wanted the power to land on the shoulders of a young guy who found it difficult to think outside the walls of his own flat. It had to be a small, personal story rather than a “change the world” type story.

So how does the lead character Cooper McRae use his invisibility? Well, he wants to get one million pounds – which is not easy – definitely not as easy as you would think. In the story, he comes up with some ingenious ways to make money but even these land him in hot water… anyway, while you’re thinking about what you’d do if you were invisible, let me tell you more about my comedy cult!

My Comedy Cult – I need help!

You may know that I’ve decided to start a new comedy cult, but there is some admin I need to tackle before I can get cracking. The first thing I need sorting is a big detached house in the country, where the cult will be based. So, if anyone has one they’d like to donate, then please get in touch. I’d like an en-suite bedroom and a large HD TV so that I can relax in between thinking of punishments for my followers etc.

comedy cult HQ
I’d like a house like this as my comedy cult headquarters. Any one got one spare?

I also think that if I’m going to run a successful comedy cult, I might be needing a long white gown (bed sheet type thing) to make me look a bit mystic and cultish.

Anyhow, there’s lots of time to think about all that stuff – I’ve also been busy doing other things such as doing some promotional stuff for my next novel (Mentioned above). If I’d known I’d had to do all this sort of thing, I’d have told the publishers where to stick their multi-million-pound deal, but I’m too polite to say anything.

Oh, the life of a humble author! I’m exaggerating of course. The deal the publishers offered me was extremely flexible. “Take it or leave it” they said. You can’t get more flexible than that!

OK, got to go now as I have to spend the afternoon swanning about looking all wistful – apparently that’s what authors are contractually required to do, so I’m off to dust down my cravat and my turquoise suede suit….

*Please let me know if you think of an easy way to make ONE MILLION pounds. Thank you.

Graham

If you like my blogs, let your friends know. I need all the friends I can get! My next blog will be all about how to write a novel! (Not that I know anything).

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Welcome to my new comedy blog!

Hi,

If you don’t know me, then I’d better introduce myself. My name is Graham Hey and I’m a writer (see the ‘about me’ page for my remarkable story!). I’ll be posting regularly with news and funny stuff so I hope you’ll stick with me and join my comedy cult! There are no weird initiation ceremonies or “Free Love” requirements (at the moment), so don’t worry about a thing.

I’ve always fancied being in a cult, although not so keen on any dancing naked at midnight. I tend to be in bed by 10.30 so that just wouldn’t work for me.

Anyway, I have some news to tell you… Chronos Publishing have announced that my second novel will be launched on October 8th. It’s called ‘Confessions of an Invisible Man’ and is a rom-com with a difference – the leading man is see-through! It’ll be able to pre-order it soon.

The cover for my forthcoming second novel.
What is it about? it’s about 280 pages!

It’s set in London in 2019. Here’s a bit about it!

Cooper McRae is going to be completely invisible for seven days. He plans to woo Lucy Pendleton – the girl at work who acts like he’s invisible ALL the time, get himself one million pounds and meet his hero, Elton John. However, things don’t go to plan. A drugs cartel, an ex-girlfriend’s pregnancy and a neighbour with an unhealthy interest in Lego all conspire to make his week of invisibility more complicated. This is his confession. Will Lucy fall for his charms, or will she see right through him?

The Shard, where part of my novel is set!

It’s a light-hearted read that combines comedy, romance and fantasy! What a combo. I’ve also thrown in some swearwords to give it a bit of adult-related pizazz! What would you do if you could be invisible for exactly one week? We’ve all thought about being invisible but for Cooper McRae it becomes an unlikely reality!

The front cover was designed by Sam Eastwood and is done in a 1950’s/60’s style. I love the retro feel to it, and this was just one of about half a dozen designs we chose from. I’ll post the other designs soon – so you can judge if we’ve made the wrong decision!!!  

Ok, time for me to go now as I need to adjust my electronic tag. If you share my blog on any social media, I shall give you one million pounds in cash, as soon I have it available.

Welcome to my cult. Rules and regulations to follow. If you have any interesting rules you’d like me to consider for my cult, then send them to me and I’ll consider them!

Bye for now. 🙂

How do you get your screenplay read by the right people?

It’s one of the most popular questions I hear from other writers, and I have decided to write an ebook all about how I got from having zero (I’ll repeat that: ZERO) contacts in the movie industry to working as a ghostwriter for one of the world’s most successful screenwriters! Yes, that really happened.

I always wanted to be a movie writer but knew that as a working class kid from a northern Industrial town, the chances of me doing that were pretty slim. So, for many years my career took a different route. I worked on building sites, in a night club (dressed in a Hawaiian grass skirt in the Tiki Bar), as a junior in a marketing dept, in a supermarket and more. All because I thought my background and lack of contacts would mean I wouldn’t get anywhere.

I was in my late twenties when I discovered I had a knack for writing funny stuff. But it was years later when I realised that I actually did have some talent, and that if I could follow a plan I had in my head, there was a chance I could actually succeed.

I’ve put all this – including my plan, into an ebook which is now on sale. I haven’t written it to make money, but to help all those writers out there who are struggling to get anywhere with their scripts. I’ve found that the writing is actually the easy bit – the marketing and finding contacts is the hardest bit. BUT… you can succeed!

If you’d like to buy my ebook, click here. It’s just £2.99. Once payment has been received, your ebook will be emailed to you asap.

My email is: grahamhey@magicseen.co.uk

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