About me. It’s a fascinating story, unless of course, you don’t find it that fascinating…

The author’s story!

I was born in Alaska, my mother ran her own whaling ship and my dad was the wrestler Kendo Nagasaki.

Kendo, relaxing at home. (photo: Daily Mirror)

We moved to Huddersfield for the fantastic climate and charming villages crammed with thatched cottages – and it wasn’t long before I was sampling the local honey. She was a lovely girl, but that didn’t last, so I was sent away to an exclusive boarding school in Hull to contemplate my career.

Then I had a lucky break and joined an unknown pop group called Right Said Fred. *Photo below, just after a gig in one of Brighouse’s best pubs.

That’s me, far right, blending in nicely with Barry and Trevor.

I had the looks (see above), the enthusiasm and outfits. Sadly, the only thing I lacked was talent. I was hailed as one of the “best tambourine players” in the band, at least until that disasterous gig in Batley, which I am not going to go in to now.

At one point I joined the rock band Whitesnake (that’s me at the back). I had to leave the band as I couldn’t afford the hair lacquer.

A brief flirtation with fame gave me the motivation to seek more of it, and so I decided to become…. a MOVIE STAR!!!

Here’s me in the smash hit movie FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF. That’s me 334th from the front, with the cheeky grin.

Despite rave reviews for my role as ‘reveller’, leading parts were pretty scarce. Then I got a lucky break… I was in my local branch of Iceland one day, getting some Findus crispy pancakes, when I was spotted by a talent scout looking for people to join The Royal Ballet, as they were short of men.

That’s me holding up a lady. I did my back in halfway through my debut and never performed again. And, if you’re wondering: I used an aubergine.

My debut for The Royal Ballet wasn’t the success I’d hoped, in fact, all the reviews were negative apart from one: “A wonderful and impressive display we couldn’t take our eyes off!” Aubergine Monthly magazine.

I left The Royal Ballet determined to seek fame and fortune… so I did what any young, determined chap would do. I got on the bus and headed for the bright lights and lure of Goole.

It was there I met a fellow called Julian who introduced to a bohemian bunch of writers and poets who wore hooped tops, drank cappuccinos and acted all French. They spent their time writing their inner thoughts down on paper and then performed them most evenings. They were part of a larger group known as: “The Unemployed”.

My poems seemed to lack the Beatnik sensibilities and I was shunned. I was escorted out of the club before I’d even finished my frothy cappuccino!

“Hey daddy-o!” That’s me on the far left – I was in a trio called: The Fuzzy Hipster Beatnik Creative Initiative. We failed to find success, despite the catchy name.

I was eventually found wandering the streets, clutching a rom-com novel manuscript when Taryn Johnston, owner of Chronos Publishing stopped in her Rolls Royce on her way home from the bingo to dispose of a half-eaten kebab. And the rest, as they say in Hollywood – is HISTORY!!

The author on his holidays sometime in the 80’s.

*Ok, you may have guessed that this page is all made up, and you’d be correct. See below for condensed biog.

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